Muffled

It all sucks

2008-09-14T18:21:13Z

I laid in his arms that night and cried.
The tears flowed sliently down my cheeks.
The look in his eyes, the way he felt as we held each other.
I knew it was all coming to the end.
It had been hovering for to long for it not to.
I wanted to wipe the last year away and bump into him in a club, take him home and stay up all night talking about the universe and how we would fix the world.
Instead he had become a close friend of my boyfriend at the time and an even closer friend to me.
All though the shit, he held my hand and told me i was strong enough to know what was good for me. To have what i wanted and not look back.
There were moments i just wanted to hide away with him and let him soothe it without all the words that wouldn't come close to being what he meant.
After the break up and the anger it all lulled and almost reverted to the good times. Sitting around late at night, giggling about bullshit and drinking till the sun came up.
There was already a clear distance.
Neither of us wanted to hurt him so we avoided the natural chemistry and kept convo straight and unlaced with the constant flirt we both have.
The text became intermittent and on and off we fell out due to nasty things my ex said, and his need to keep the peace.
I had enough of feeling like i had lost my best friend just because my ex couldn't keep his lips off the bottle. I dragged him out for a night. Took him to a gay club and danced the night away. I wished i had done it more often.
Sat outisde at 2am in the cold talking through our families and childhoods for an hour waiting for my boyfriend to come find us.
I felt at home.
He was someone that i could talk to about anything and even if he didn't understand he certainly wouldn't judge me. But it was more than that. I was content. Happy.
For so long i thought people don't understand because they haven't been through the same things as me, its bullshit. They choose not to understand. Choose not to listen because whats happened to them is far more painful or important. He embraced it, wanted to know me.
Wanted to know what triggered me to do things, what drove me. Why i craved and desired things. I didn't always have the answers and i guess thats what I've always wanted, someone to push me further than i push my self.
That last night, i watched my ex drink the last of our relationship and friendship that he thought he could save.
We both watched him do it in silence, until we all got home. My ex continued his behavior until i asked him to go to bed to save little dignity.
Far from worked.
An hour later i had packed my bags, ushered my friends from his appartment and ripped open his forehead in an attempt to escape a rather nasty grip on the bed.
We all went to my mates, one by one my friends trickled off to bed or home. Left us alone with the sun coming up. He spilled the beans on what had been going on and all the lies. As usual i had to just remind him as far as i was concerned as long as i have his friendship everyone else can fuck off with there small minded bullshit. We both knew were we stood and what we wanted from each other.
I dawned on me that realistically i wasn't going to be back in that area for a long time, and his lack of persistence would lead to all of it crumbling. He told me he was finding it hard having us both in his life.
I knew this was coming. My ex lives in his flats and I'm 60 miles away, there friendship is to easy to have even though it doesn't come close to how ours feels.
So now I've lost probably one of my best friends just because my ex is a stupid cunt that i thought he was.
Selfish.
vindictive.
cunt.
cunt.
cunt.
cunt.
He soothed me that night. He ran his fingers through my hair and told me stop crying.
dont cry rea.
i could see him holding it all back. he laid there quitely and let me spill it all out. when i left he couldn't even look me in the eye.

The sting of those tears i think ill forever be able to taste.

divine filth

2008-09-01T16:15:07Z

"The universe is closed to me,
I stay blind in it,
In harmoney with, the nothingness.

Alone in me the nothingness watches the universe,
and chokes me stubbonly."

~Georges Bataille

secret garden party.

2008-08-02T12:56:21Z

I week ago today and i was sprawled out stunning sunshine in underwear and not giving a fuck about anyone but my own cravings and desires for life. something about laying under an oak tree, on a hay stack, inhaling laughing gas with your best friends will make you want to never give up that moment.
I partied hard, probably lost a fair few brain cells and it was all worth it. i dont think life will be the same again. I now look at most people with more haterd and distatse at thier lack of interaction in thier own lives. I want to be able to walk down the road and talk to people, i want to wear what i want without fear, rejection or comformity.
It was blissful.

a break from the normal.

2008-03-07T16:14:05Z

I woke up with my knickers stuck to my soaked cunt, aching for attention.

I hadnt been able to get the image of his nose pressed against my underwear, clit throbbing hard against the material hoping he will just rip them off. Knowing what his fists, hands and fingers would be capable of had be driving me crazy.

Platform high heels, Black with red seamed stocking, the tiniest thong and bare tits bent over just waiting for him to break. I doubt my fingers would be able to help them selves, eager to try and relieve my aching wetness. Tracing my clit back and forth, dipping my fingers into my self, listening for his breathing to heighten. Hear him lick his licks and i wouldnt even need to look at him.

His hands would be the command.

Ripping into me.
Allowing me to be his dolly.
Taking what he wanted, leaving just what he wanted quivering on the floor, stained, used and still ever so willing.

I spent the night with this running through is various situations and intensities.

Still half asleep but in need of some rough pleasure, i woke him and took what i wanted.

It was hard, quick but it satisfied.barely.

missplaytime @ 2008-03-04T19:30:00

2008-03-04T19:42:51Z

I longed for this.
Spent days waiting to get back on line and moan about having to hide under the covers.
sometimes even my fingers itch from needing a keyboard to bang out thier frustraion.
alas im hear and the words and will escape me.
there are 101 things, floating in the space between my ears but none of it feels real now.
im now low enough for them to take solid form.
ive given up for the time being.
Better to not focus and feel disorintated that connected with the pain and deepest horror i feel most of the time.

All in the same week i losy my purse, lost my great aunty, went over drawn on my account so the bank charged me £70 (and they didnt even pay the fucking bill!), lost my YP rail card, had my ex post pictures online of him, our daughter and his love interest ( who for the record after a year of him pursuing him still isnt interested in anything but his wallet), had loads of shit with work.....
just one thing after another and i really dont want any of it anymore.

Im more than happy with my boyfriend but i long for it to be easier. Back and forth from london to oxford iall week is exhausting for both of us, and we dont get time for our own stuff let alone quailty time together.

SO even the ittle bits i should be happy for as a relief are causing me more stress than i need.

I can feel my self closing down and removing my self.

I lay in the bath last night and just wanted it all to wash away. To find some way to end it and not cause all the hurt and fall out. Thats the bit that scares me, what it would do.... Then of course you have the other throught that one lot of pain will be easier for them to cope with compared to the continuing fuck up.

yep. wonderful.

ugly emotions.

2008-02-18T13:20:04Z

I want to hurt her.
In a far from pleasant way.
smash her face in repeatedly, with a blunt heavy object.
i want to hear bone breaking, see the blood flow and most of all hear her beg.
tell me she is sorry for what she has done.
for the pain she has caused and take some r esponsibilityfor her actions.

Im not possessive. I DO get slightly jealous.
This isnt either my most comman emotion to those i love is protective.

My boyfriend loves me.
I see it in his eyes every time he looks at me. The way he holds me. The crack in his voice when he realizes its turned into a fight, just before he tries to make up. His kisses. The way he will pop home on his 15 minute break from work just to kiss me and have a quick cup of coffee and check im o.k and what my plans are.The way we make love.His eagerness to make future plans.
all of it.
its clear and i feel it, which makes a change because normally they dont love me enough for me to be open enough to feel it.
but i do and its amazing.

He has had one other love in his life and she hurt him.
badly.
All pain is bad, but she used him, ripped his heart out and continued to lie and manipulate him.
after 4 years she left him becuase she wanted to feel sexy.

Bye bye... see you later. boo fucking hoo. we all need to feel sexy but if your not starting with your self its never going to happen.

So she is finding out the hard way..

Except she still wants to call him and cry down the phone about how insecure she is and how her new boyfriend might dump her.

I wouldnt be bothered so much about this if i felt it was genuine. its not its bullshit. she keeps asking him how happy he is with me, picking holes in the limited information she has such as... blah blah blah, she is a single mum... blah blah blah she does naughty modeling, well that disgusting when your a mum blah blah blah your just using her for sex... right?

As far as i know, she knows we are happy.

Fuck im so angry. Angry she hurt him and still think she has the right to ask for his help and sympathy. Angry with him that he lets her. Really angry with him that he lets her.

He brushes over it and tells me its fine i have his heart and she is just a friend. I trust this.

I dont trust that, that is how she see it.

Should it mater? If nothing is going to happen she it matter how she sees it?

Yes. Any decent person would turn to there friends not there ex as a shoulder to cry on, and if she does she her self as a friend she should nt be asking invasive questions and judging me she should be happy for him.

I want to hurt her so fucking bad.

vivid nights

2008-02-09T21:39:26Z

My night have been plagued with monsters.
Skeletal towering demons chasing me through water, being able to smell my fear and wetness like i had rolled in it. chaging shapes and pace to get closer to some true nightmare form that i would scream my self awake to flee from.
Piranha filled depths below the weak bridge i tried to venture across. falling into the teeth and feeling my flesh rip from the bone.
Im not sleeping.
Afew hours at a time, i wake sweat soaked, dry throat and scratching at my comfort blanket in a vicious attempt to chill the fuck out.

my sleep is always the first bit to go, i feel the crazy taking over during the day once that is disturibed. This isnt going to be pleasant, i have to many people close enough to hurt and ruin for this to be a welcomed break from normality.

we will see.

it was so much darker last night....

2008-01-27T11:19:53Z

I want to rip that smug soul from you.
The one that thinks it understands this life.
Ill watch you crumble, as you realize without anyone next to you, your beliefs aren't real.
The normal spill, no longer exist in these hands.
All those things you never thought could be, will be.
Its not that you rejected them, you never knew.
Expose your self, dig deep, fuck what the others want to hear you say.
Take control of your own life and desires.
unleash your untamed.

BSG junkie

2008-01-20T13:48:32Z

So i have a quick window before my rock arrives and i let rip on the ever hectic life i create for my self.
so ill fill you in on my enlightening post that was deleted because i'm a moron.

Battlestar Galactica.
I discovered it and have become something of a junkie. Why oh why i didnt hear from my geek friends how amazing this is, i have no idea. At least this means i have had the chance to gorge my self on episode after episode.

so for those in the know .....
( those of you who have been unfortunate to not discover this little gem, Google is your friend... or im bound to do a more insightful post when i have the time.)

Cylons.
Watching Starbuck jam the fork through the neck of Leoben, sparked alittle twinge. O.k a Big massive wet thought appeared between my legs.

With a Cylon you could live out your darkest, deepest sadistic fantasies and get away with it.

Be up all night maiming, mutilating and genrally doing bad stuff, untill your brain is so soaked in blood and screams you fall asleep. Waking you find your loving loyal cylon laid next to you perfectly untouched and ready for your next assault.

......Of course there are massive holes in this theroy, as they would have to allow you and be there as just your play thing... but i over looked this for my hour of need :)

So for all you sadistic geeks out there what would be your cylon first abuse? what fantasy would come top above all others to act out on something that feels human but without the consequence?

Play
~x~

fuck fuck fuck

2008-01-20T12:28:00Z

fucking kidding me!
i just wrote an hour long post and managed to delete it and i now dont have the time to rewrite it.
bollocks.