I week ago today and i was sprawled out stunning sunshine in underwear and not giving a fuck about anyone but my own cravings and desires for life. something about laying under an oak tree, on a hay stack, inhaling laughing gas with your best friends will make you want to never give up that moment.
I partied hard, probably lost a fair few brain cells and it was all worth it. i dont think life will be the same again. I now look at most people with more haterd and distatse at thier lack of interaction in thier own lives.  I want to be able to walk down the road and talk to people, i want to wear what i want without fear, rejection or comformity. 
It was blissful.

mood: indescribable tags: sgp 08

I woke up with my knickers stuck to my soaked cunt, aching for attention.

I hadnt been able to get the image of his nose pressed against my underwear, clit throbbing hard against the material hoping he will just rip them off. Knowing what his fists, hands and fingers would be capable of had be driving me crazy. 

Platform high heels, Black with red seamed stocking, the tiniest thong and bare tits bent over just waiting for him to break. I doubt my fingers would be able to help them selves, eager to try and relieve my aching wetness. Tracing my clit back and forth, dipping my fingers into my self, listening for his breathing to heighten. Hear him lick his licks and i wouldnt even need to look at him.

His hands would be the command. 

Ripping into me. 
Allowing me to be his dolly.
Taking what he wanted, leaving just what he wanted quivering on the floor, stained, used and still ever so willing.

I spent the night with this running through is various situations and intensities.

Still half asleep but in need of some rough pleasure, i woke him and took what i wanted. 

It was hard, quick but it satisfied.barely.

mood: horny

I want to hurt her.
In a far from pleasant way.
smash her face in repeatedly, with a blunt heavy object.
i want to hear bone breaking, see the blood flow and most of all hear her beg.
tell me she is sorry for what she has done.
for the pain she has caused and take some r esponsibilityfor her actions.

Im not possessive. I DO get slightly jealous. 
This isnt either my most comman emotion to those i love is protective.

My boyfriend loves me.
I see it in his eyes every time he looks at me. The way he holds me. The crack in his voice when he realizes its turned into a fight, just before he tries to make up. His kisses. The way he will pop home on his 15 minute break from work just to kiss me and have a quick cup of coffee and check im o.k and what my plans are.The way we make love.His eagerness to make future plans.
all of it.
its clear and i feel it, which makes a change because normally they dont love me enough for me to be open enough to feel it.
but i do and its amazing.

He has had one other love in his life and she hurt him.
badly.
All pain is bad, but she used him, ripped his heart out and continued to lie and manipulate him. 
after 4 years she left him becuase she wanted to feel sexy.

Bye bye... see you later. boo fucking hoo. we all need to feel sexy but if your not starting with your self its never going to happen.

So she is finding out the hard way..

Except she still wants to call him and cry down the phone about how insecure she is and how her new boyfriend might dump her.

I wouldnt be bothered so much about this if i felt it was genuine. its not its bullshit. she keeps asking him how happy he is with me, picking holes in the limited information she has such as... blah blah blah, she is a single mum... blah blah blah she does naughty modeling, well that disgusting when your a mum blah blah blah your just using her for sex... right? 

As far as i know, she knows we are happy.

Fuck im so angry. Angry she hurt him and still think she has the right to ask for his help and sympathy. Angry with him that he lets her. Really angry with him that he lets her.

He brushes over it and tells me its fine i have his heart and she is just a friend. I trust this.

I dont trust that, that is how she see it.

Should it mater? If nothing is going to happen she it matter how she sees it?

Yes. Any decent person would turn to there friends not there ex as a shoulder to cry on, and if she does she her self as a friend she should nt be asking invasive questions and judging me she should be happy for him.

I want to hurt her so fucking bad.

mood: enraged

My night have been plagued with monsters.
Skeletal towering demons chasing me through water, being able to smell my fear and wetness like i had rolled in it. chaging shapes and pace to get closer to some true nightmare form that i would scream my self awake to flee from.
Piranha filled depths below the weak bridge i tried to venture across. falling into the teeth and feeling my flesh rip from the bone.
Im not sleeping.
Afew hours at a time, i wake sweat soaked, dry throat and scratching at my comfort blanket in a vicious attempt to chill the fuck out.

my sleep is always the first bit to go, i feel the crazy taking over during the day once that is disturibed. This isnt going to be pleasant, i have to many people close enough to hurt and ruin for this to be a welcomed break from normality. 

we will see.

mood: blah